Well it's been a few months since I've written anything that could be considered poetry, so I thought I'd give it another go. I've probably lost my touch. Enjoy.
Snake-Lady & The Horizon (title not to be taken seriously)
Remember the other day,
when the sky melted in sporadic colours,
only to be cut off by the black of distances we didn't know,
and how we knew it was message in pantomime.
This feeling lives somewhere,
where kitchen benches bend in broken homes.
In places that send jigsaw echoes through dreamcatchers,
incomplete memories like digitized wish lists.
We'll never find ourselves,
in empty bottles or glasses broken in rage.
It smells so sulfur-sweet when we burn in our pride,
and nothing ignites like a neglected garden.
So now I'm folding paper,
trying to find a quicker way from A to B.
Like dinner alone, suburbia feels like you won't show up,
but I've got nowhere else to go.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Bravo, Bravo!
I loved it. I love all your work.
there's no definite rhythm. the lines vary from long to short, and sparatically so. oh, and change the title on the board, please. it made me unwilling to read it, unknowing it was by you.
otherwise, i love your language and the way your apply it. it amazes me.
Great poem!! I enjoyed every line of it. One thing though, never present a negative image of yourself before the poem, or even after; if you are that concerned with letting the reader know about you, put it into the poem.
Brian
Instead of some comment about how bad you are in the thread title, you should actually put down the name of the poem. Also, I hate it when people put themselves down before anyone gets a chance to.
Since I'm here though, here is a critique.
I can't comment on structure (I'm not even sure if structure is applicable to poetry anymore) but I can comment on your subject.
Speaking of which, what is the subject? It seems to me that there is no solid relationship between one paragraph with the other. The title doesn't help either, it doesn't connect with the poetry any better than the paragraphs.
I think you need to re-write it. Use a sheet of paper, and basically list what your poem is about and what will happen in each paragraph. This way, when you write it, you won't lose focus, and you can give critics like me a straight answer when I ask what it's about.
This has a good whispey flow too it. Thats how it read to me anyway.
I didn't get the second to last line "suburbia feels like you won't show up,"
It doesn't seem to sit quite right, because for some reason, the personification of suburbia just isn't working for me.
Other than that tho, good work.
The great thing about being a n00b is that you can only ever be one once. So you've lost that title, and have moved on to n00b out of retirement.